A Mary Sue Alphabet
by Irony-chan
Summary: A's for Amanda Our hero's twin sister Got lost as a baby and Gosh, how he missed her...


The Mary-Sue Alphabet is a work of fiction and any resemblance to actual Sues, living or dead, is purely coincidental. In other words: no, this is not directed at you personally. It's just supposed to be funny.

And yes, I _know_ Ginny's real name is Ginevra. That's why there are "" marks around where it says 'Virginia'. Please stop emailing me about it.

* * *

**A**'s for **Amanda**  
Our hero's twin sister  
Got lost as a baby  
And gosh, how he missed her  
He always suspected  
He had a half lacking  
He set off to find her  
By magical tracking  
So now they're together  
And smiling a lot  
Too bad that the story's  
Got no trace of plot

-:-

**B** is for **Bridget**  
Who's named for the author  
She could have been subtle  
But just didn't bother  
Yet somehow I doubt  
That the writer's a d-cup  
Or sings like an angel  
With nary a hiccup  
Or doesn't need glasses  
Or looks like a hottie  
Or ever will earn  
Her black belt in karate

-:-

**C** is for **Clementine**  
Good on a broom  
The fastest of flyers  
Just look at her zoom!  
The new school all-star  
She aims like a dream  
They haven't lost once yet  
Since Clem made the team!  
But the other side's jealous  
And might not play fair  
Will they cheat 'til she loses?  
... does anyone care?

-:-

**D**'s for **Diana**  
Her story's a wreck!  
With no sign of grammar  
Or any spell-check  
The readers sent email  
To justly complain  
But all of their efforts  
Turned out to be vain  
The author replied with:  
"Who cares how it's written?  
"It's only a fanfic!  
"You're mean, and kick kittens!"

-:-

**E** is for **Elwen**  
An elf in her glory!  
Who seems unware  
That she's in the wrong story  
Like all of her people  
She's comely and wise  
The hardest heart melts  
At her come-hither eyes  
But how did she get here?  
There aren't any clues  
And the author won't tell  
'Til she gets more reviews

-:-

**F** for **Furiko**  
Who came from the East  
Her father's a magical  
Shrinekeeper priest  
She brought her katana  
And swings it with ease  
And she'll say 'onegai'  
Instead of just 'please'  
Each chapter begins with  
A guide to the phrases  
And thanks the reviewers  
For singing her praises

-:-

**G** is for **Georgia**  
Likes watching TV  
Replaying the movie  
Upon DVD  
'Til one day by magic  
The screen opened wide  
Before Georgia knew it  
It sucked her inside!  
Now she'll save the hero  
By hook or by crook  
She knows all the future  
'Cause she's read the book

-:-

**H** starts the name  
Of a girl called **Heather**  
An element witch  
Who can magic the weather  
A sunshiny day  
Means she's merry and glad  
But thunder and snowstorms  
Show up when she's mad  
And should she be sleeping  
And having strange dreams...  
I suppose that might be why  
It's raining sardines

-:-

**I** for **Isolda**  
Who's nasty and mean  
The worst evil sorceress  
You've ever seen  
The Dark Lord is naught but  
Her grovelling bitch  
No-one out-evils  
This black little witch!  
It runs in her family  
Right down in her roots  
But without a good beta  
Her plots become ploots

-:-

**J** is for **Janviere**  
Frozen and cold  
A silent immortal  
A thousand years old  
Ever since she discovered  
The Sorcerer's Stone  
There have been none to love her  
She wanders alone  
Her tale is tragic  
With no-one to tell  
Where she hid the body  
Of Nicolas Flamel

-:-

**K** is for **Kimberly**  
Nothing but trouble  
There's chaos a boiling  
In _her _cauldron's bubble  
The girl's a genius  
Her pranks are the best!  
But all of the teachers  
They think she's a pest  
Four times in a row  
She's been kicked out of school  
To let her in here  
The headmaster's a fool

-:-

**L** for **Lorraina  
**The heir to three thrones  
She dresses in ballgowns  
And wears precious stones  
But deep in her heart  
She's so royally lonely  
She longs for a prince  
To love her and her only  
She wants to be treated  
Like all other girls  
Perhaps if she'd dump  
The tiara and pearls

-:-

**M** is for **Madysonne**  
Fresh from the states!  
Like totally awesome  
This chica, she rates!  
She brought with her all of  
Her favourite CD's  
And might let you listen  
If you just say please  
She's spreading the music  
As far as she can  
And somehow I'm guessing  
The author's a fan

-:-

**N** is for **Naoko**  
In space she has dwelt  
Her real name's Sailor  
Asteroid Belt  
A student by day  
Vigilante by night  
A short-skirted soldier  
In crimson and white!  
But what will she do when  
Her secret's discovered?  
Why, sex up the hero  
And make him her lover!

-:-

**O** for **Ophelia**  
The evil guy's daughter  
Her life is so awful  
Her tears flow like water  
Her husband's been chosen  
By father and mother  
But her heart already  
Belongs to another  
Oh woe! And oh angst!  
Yeah, it's piled on thick  
And most of the readers  
Are gonna be sick

-:-

**P** is for **Paris**  
Just swimming in prose!  
Her lips weren't pink only  
They bloomed like a rose!  
Like wheat in the sunshine  
The gold of her hair  
Her eyes, how they sparkled  
As clear as the air!  
Her skin was as white  
As the robe of a saint  
And it's that lack of iron  
Keeps making her faint

-:-

**Q** is for **Qing**  
She's the Chinese exchange  
Her manners are foreign  
Her habits are strange  
She's odd and exotic  
She dresses in silk  
Eats rice for her breakfast  
And never drinks milk  
A stereotype walking  
On feet bound up small  
The author did clearly  
No research at all

-:-

**R** for **Rhiannon**  
Got brought up by a pack  
Of wolves in the wild  
One would think that she'd lack  
For poise and good manners  
But she's got 'em in spades  
Perhaps that is how  
Every she-wolf behaves  
There's only one chapter  
But quite clear to see  
That poor helpless werewolf  
Will get paired with she

-:-

**S** for **Serena  
**Who changes her form  
When she wants she can become  
A white unicorn  
Both tigers and eagles  
Are shapes she can take  
A big golden dragon  
A small silver snake  
A galloping mustang  
A peacock of blue  
The woman's a one-person  
Portable zoo

-:-

**T** is for **Tracey**  
The coolest of cool  
Most popular chick  
At her old wizard school  
But here things are different  
She's all but unseen  
The others don't like her  
And everyone's mean  
It's all 'bout the in-crowd  
And the reader infers  
That in the end Trace  
Will say vengeance is hers

-:-

**U** is for **Umbra**  
Which isn't a name  
But in the end really  
There's worse stuff to blame:  
Her surname is either  
'MacKay' or 'MacBride'  
The story says both  
It can't seem to decide  
That's about as much sense  
As this fic ever makes  
Especially since it lacks  
Paragraph breaks

-:-

**V** for **'Virginia'**  
Who used to be canon  
'Til one day along came  
A writer named Shannon  
Now Gin's into cutting  
And punk-rocker bands  
And writes poems 'bout the pain  
That no-one understands  
But her parents don't worry  
To any degree  
Because just like their daughter  
They're both OOC

-:-

**W** stands for  
One **Wendover Sable**  
She started off Sue-some  
Right out of the cradle  
The poor foundling baby  
Was given a home  
By snobby, rich wizards  
Brought her up like their own  
And should any point out  
That this ain't realistic  
Just watch as the author  
Goes fully ballistic

-:-

**X** is for **Xanthe**  
Who isn't a Sue  
Like any good character  
She's got flaws, too  
Her hair isn't curly!  
Her nails she bites!  
She's scared of the dark  
When she turns out the lights!  
So many things  
That could get in the way...  
But they'll never stop Xanthe  
From saving the day

-:-

**Y** is for **Yarrow**  
Who's better than teacher  
At seeing tomorrow  
In every small feature  
In fact, she's so good  
That she tutors the classes  
And with her instructing  
All students get passes  
Yet when she predicts ruin  
Woe is her - no one hears!  
So much for the love  
And respect of her peers

-:-

**Z** is for Zuli  
Her name is **Zuliekha**  
But she keeps it short 'cause  
That's tough on the speaker  
She sings and she dances!  
She's mastered disguise!  
She chit-chats with snakes!  
She makes Julienne fries!  
The reader is torn  
Between laughter and gaping  
Spoofs shouldn't be worse  
Than the things that they're aping


End file.
